I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
