The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
