i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
