His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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