she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
