can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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