I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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