Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
