i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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