The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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