Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
