I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
