I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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