Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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