Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
