She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
