I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My first STD was from a foam party
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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