dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
