The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
