the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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