if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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