ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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