i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
