tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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