Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
