Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
