what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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