Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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