Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
