You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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