i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
