don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize