Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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