I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
