Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
