I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
