I just threw up on my dentist
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
