theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
