My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
operation have a gay friend backfired
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
