I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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