sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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