1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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