stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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