I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
