i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
