If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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