Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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