I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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