So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
