True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
