I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
