the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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