I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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