all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
