where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
